


Billionaire Vigilantes Club

by QuirkyPanda



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Blue Beetle (Comics), Booster Gold (Comics), DCU (Comics), Green Arrow (Comics)
Genre: "ITS A SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT...", #BringBackTheCapGA2019, Bruce avoids gossip about himself by gossiping about someone else, Bruce is the pettiest man alive and you can't convince us otherwise, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dude Bro Ollie, Everything i am is trademarked bruce wayne, Gen, Movie Nights at Wayne Manor are dangerous, Oldie Ollie, Proceed with caution, Script like, Sky Blue Scarab, Ted is a Sad boi, The Sharing Stick, They are all a mess honestly, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-05-07 08:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19205719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuirkyPanda/pseuds/QuirkyPanda
Summary: After a terrible mission that leads to the disappearance of Booster Gold, Ted Kord falls into a rut. After a few months of lazing about his lab, he finally gets the motivation to reach out for some companionship with people from similar backgrounds, Oliver Queen AKA Green Arrow and Bruce Wayne AKA Batman. They are all billionaires and in the superhero community after all. Together the three will meet up once a week, whether it’s to discuss a topic about being a superhero or just to shoot the breeze and to unwind from the busy (and often crazy) day to day life of the cape and costume crowd.





	1. The Start of Something New

**Author's Note:**

> My co-creator can be found here: https://www.deviantart.com/hypnolordx

**Ted Kord** ’s sitting in his workshop at a circular table, staring blankly at a picture of himself and Booster Gold that sits on a table nearby. The room is dark as Ted hasn't moved in what could be between several minutes to an entire hour. In his hands, a ludicrously large Booster Gold mug, given as a birthday present from the man himself signed on the side “To my best pal, Booster”, filled halfway with Coca-Cola.

Cut to just outside of the Workshop, **Bruce Wayne** is walking up to the place, dressed in the appropriate business attire. Up ahead he sees **Oliver Queen** , just chilling by the door. He’s dressed in a suit like Bruce, but he’s wearing sunglasses too. Bruce stops, confused that the other billionaire and masked hero was here.

> **Bruce** : Oliver? I didn’t expect to see you here. I take it you have business with Kord too?

The two men shake hands before Ollie speaks up.

> **Ollie** : Business, me? It’s like you don’t even know me, Bruce. This was a personal call.

Bruce raises a single eyebrow before shaking off Ollie’s dismissal. The two walk into the workshop, setting off the motion sensors that light the room more clearly, there Ted is sitting there waiting as if their arrival also snapped him back to reality just like the motion sensors for the lights.

Ted straightens his posture and looks at them, smile wide, before standing up to greet them. Bruce and Ollie are slightly startled by his appearance. He's grown a beard, that looks unkempt and scraggly, wearing a stained hoodie and baggy gray sweatpants. His bare feet pad against the floor as he walks towards them.

> **Ted** : Bruce, Ollie, how’re you?

Ted shakes both of their hands, as warmly and friendly as anyone possibly could. Ollie was clearly examining Ted, confused and a little concerned, while Bruce seemingly didn’t break his stoic expression, though you could tell by his eyes that he was scanning Ted as any detective would.

> **Ollie** : Ted, buddy… _He stops what he was about to say and smiles tentatively back._ What's this about a business meeting?
> 
> **Ted** : Oh, right that, uh okay, don’t be mad but I got a tiny little confession.

Bruce rolls his eyes. Ollie rolls his eyes. Bruce just grunts in response. 

> **Ted** : This has nothing to do with our companies.
> 
> **Ollie** : Okay…?

Ollie raises an eyebrow but is clearly still trying to hear Ted out.

> **Ted** : You see, I wanted to discuss a little...uh, well something with the both of you.

Ted gestures for them to take a seat at the table as he slowly walks towards it.

Bruce and Ollie give each other a look, neither seem exactly sure where this is going. Ollie shrugs and follows Ted to the table. Bruce waits a few seconds before grabbing the last seat himself.

> **Ted** : So I’ve been thinking about our lives, you know, professionally and also...uh, the other kind of professionally...

He is hinting at their lives as superheroes with a little cheeky grin. Ted hasn’t been the official Blue Beetle for some time, but Ollie and Bruce have still been operating as Green Arrow and Batman.

> **Ted:** And I was thinking we should really, uh, talk more….about things!

He takes a hurried sip from his stupidly large mug, smiling and winking Booster Gold looking at Bruce and Ollie. Ted sounded a little awkward in the way that he spoke, but he never once broke from his upbeat attitude.

> **Bruce** : What kind of _things_? 
> 
> **Ollie** : Also, is that Coca-Cola in your mug?

Ollie wastes no time being blunt about the wrong part of the situation. Bruce shoots him a look. Ollie just shrugs back at him.

> **Ted** : Well you know, like everything. We lead pretty interesting lives and all three of us got a lot in common, we’re all super-rich, we all own companies, and we moonlight sometimes in colorful, sometimes not so colorful, outfits!
> 
> **Ollie** : We're-

He glances at Bruce over his sunglasses with a smirk.

> **Ollie:** Most of us are incredibly handsome.

Bruce just looks at him, unimpressed.

> **Ted** : Right? And somehow we never hangout! So I was thinking, maybe we fix that and... well, I don’t know, meet up sometimes to just chill.

He looks at Bruce as if he's a wreck and not himself.

> **Ted:** Especially you B. Do you ever chill? Do you even know what that means?
> 
> **Ollie** : I’m half convinced he’s never even heard that word before.
> 
> **Ted** : Do words like _chill_ , _vacation_ , and _relaxation_ make you break out into hives? Are you allergic?

Ted pats Bruce's hand and looks at him sympathetically.

> **Ted:** It's okay Bruce. Maybe exposure therapy can help you.

Ollie laughs a bit under his breath before Bruce glares right at him. Ollie quickly and quietly stops after getting death glares from the Dark Knight. Bruce then turns to Ted.

> **Bruce** : You can’t be serious.
> 
> **Ted** : Of course I’m serious, come on, it’ll be fun! We’ll be like the “Y” at the end of a word that makes it even better!

He looks at Bruce and Ollie earnestly.

> **Ollie** : Wha…what does that even mean?
> 
> **Ted** : It’s a scientific fact that adding “Y” at the end of a word automatically makes it better! _Happy._ _Sunny._ _Cheery._ I dare you to tell me a word that ends with “Y” that isn’t awesome.

Bruce smirks. 

> **Bruce** : _Misery. Deadly. Hypocrisy_.

Ollie snorts. 

> **Ollie** :Damn, Bruce.

Ted is silent for a couple of seconds. He clearly wasn’t ready for Bruce’s shutdown.

> **Ted** :....Okay, almost every word. Science doesn’t lie, Bruce.
> 
> **Bruce** : And with that, I’m leaving…

Bruce gets out of his chair, having about enough of this.

> **Bruce** : If there’s really no point to this meeting, then I think we’re done here.
> 
> **Ollie** : As fun as it is to make fun of B and to see you, Ted, I've also got to go.

Ollie starts to get up as well.

> **Ted** : Oh come on, guys! Guys? Give it a chance!

Ted starts to sound a bit desperate.

> **Bruce** : Thank you for your hospitality, Mr. Kord, but I have no interest in starting a club. I get enough of that with the Justice League.

Ollie pats Ted’s back and glances at Bruce.

> **Ollie** : Unlike Stick-Up-My-Ass Wayne, I just don't think I have time, but thanks, Ted.
> 
> **Ted** : Oh...right, I get you, too busy.

The smile fades off Ted’s face and in his voice, his defeat audible. He stares down at his mug.

> **Ted** : Well, it was nice seeing you guys….uh...I guess….guess I’ll see you around some time….

Ollie pauses and looks at Ted. He slowly takes off his sunglasses and glances from Bruce to Ted then back to Bruce.

> **Ollie** : Oh, okay. Um, buddy...dude...bro...you okay?!
> 
> **Ted** : Yeah...I’m fine. I just...well I really had my hopes up for this and...uh...well...

Ted doesn’t seem to really want to talk about what’s actually bothering him. Bruce takes a look around the workshop, at the projects that haven’t been finished and seemingly haven’t been touched in a while, even his signature Bug ship looks like it’s collecting some dust. Then he looks at the picture of Ted and Booster Gold. Ollie thinks that Ted looks like one of those sad street dogs he sometimes sees on patrol and awws internally as he sits back down.

Bruce lets out a grunt and then sits back down in his seat.

> **Bruce** : Okay, but we only meet up once a week.
> 
> **Ollie** : Yeah, once a week sounds good.
> 
> **Ted** : Awesome!

Ted perks right back up, as if nothing ever happened.

> **Ted:** Hey, maybe we can even move our meeting place sometimes. OH! Can one of those places be the Batcave?

Ted looks like a kid in a candy store right now. Ollie smirks at Bruce.

> **Ollie** : Yeah, B. Let's meet in the Batcave, see your small army of ninja children and your scary butler. I heard you have a giant penny and I may have had a bet with Hal about it.
> 
> **Bruce** : Don’t push your luck. 
> 
> **Ted** : Eh, worth a shot.

Ollie stage whispers to Ted.

> **Ollie** : We'll break him down eventually.
> 
> **Ted** : I just wanted to see the Batmobile really...OH! Since we’re on the subject, how many Batmobiles have you had, Bruce?

Ted’s face lights up like a Christmas tree while talking about the Batmobile.

> **Bruce** : We’re not seriously starting with this, are we…?

His expression has gone from Typical Broody Bruce™ to Annoyed Broody Bruce™. Ollie turns to him, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head, curiosity was written all over his face.

> **Ollie:** Actually, I wanna know too. I've seen news coverage from Gotham before. There's no way you've only had one or two with the craziness that happens in that city. Didn’t one of them have like a big bat head on it?
> 
> **Bruce** : You go there and I bring up the “Arrow Car”.

Bruce smirks a little at Ollie. Ollie looks affronted.

> **Ollie:** Hey, the Arrow Car was sweet!
> 
> **Bruce** : It looked goofy and you know it.
> 
> **Ollie** : Says you, Mr. I Name Everything Bat. Batplane™, Batcave™, Battoilet...

Ted mutters as he chuckles.

> **Ted** : Why can I hear the trademark?

Ted laughs a little as the conversation continues and in his eyes, you can see a faint glimmer of hope and optimism that he hasn’t in so long. His smile seems more genuine this time and not like he’s putting on a mask to hide the pain he’s feeling. It’s a small spark but one that can be seen nonetheless.

Cut to Bruce and Ollie leaving, with plans to meet up next week. Ted gives out a happy sigh as he watches the two go. Transition to the outside of Ted’s building, to where Bruce and Ollie stand as though they’re waiting for their respective rides to get here. Ollie clearly looks like he’s got something he wants to say to Bruce.

> **Ollie** : Gotta be honest, B, I didn’t think you’d actually come around on Ted’s idea.

Bruce responds as anyone could expect the Batman to do, being as blunt as possible while not even looking at Ollie.

> **Bruce** : You know as well as I do why I did. Ted’s still recovering, after what happened, and clearly this is the best kind of help we can give him for that process.

He is implying that the two of them know what got Ted to his low point. It may sound a bit robotic, but in Bruce’s own way, he’s saying that he’s worried for Ted and that he wants to help. Ollie readjusts his sunglasses as he gives off a light chuckle.

> **Ollie** : Well surprise, surprise. I guess underneath all the cold broodiness, there actually is some proof that Bruce Wayne has a heart-

Right before he finishes that sentence, Ollie realizes Bruce has done one of his signature disappearing acts. Ollie looks around confused, but can’t find any trace of him at all.

> **Ollie** : Ugh, I really hate it when he does that...

Cut to the interior of the workshop as Ted sets his insanely large mug down and looks right at the photo of him and Booster. Today went better than he expected. With a soft smile, he begins talking to the photo as if it were Booster himself.

> **Ted** : I did it, Buddy. I really did it.

He sets the photo down and looks towards his ship. He goes over to the Bug and tosses off the tarp covering half of the ship. As the tarp flutters to the floor, the damage done in his last mission with Booster is revealed. He takes a deep sigh and starts to stretch his arms a little.

> **Ted** : Okay, time to get to work.


	2. Movie Night and Costumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OS= off-screen

It is a cold rainy night in Gotham as a car pulls into the big driveway of Wayne Manor. Stepping out of the car is Oliver Queen and Ted Kord, coming to see Bruce Wayne for the first official meeting of their little club. It seems the two carpooled to get here, possibly indicating that Ted still doesn’t feel well enough to drive after the incident that damaged the Bug ship. Ted’s in a new hoodie that reads _I <3 Gotham_, but still has his baggy sweatpants from the last chapter. Meanwhile, Oliver’s in a leather jacket t-shirt combo, with a pair of jeans. He looks like he’s ready to bro out. The two rush to the door to try and stay as dry as possible, Ted knocking on the huge door as they get there.

> **Ollie** : Dude, it’s a mansion he’s not gonna hear that. Just ring the doorbell.
> 
> **Ted** : Good point...

Ted looks at the door, drinking in just how big it is.

> **Ted** : Why does this thing even need to be this big, does Bruce entertain Giganta too?
> 
> **Ollie** : Looks around as they wait. I think...I think this is even bigger than my old place. What the hell?

The door opens even before Ted could actually find the doorbell, and there stands Alfred, Bruce’s loyal friend/father figure and butler. The man raises an eyebrow at the two.

> **Alfred** : I suppose you two are here to see Master Bruce?
> 
> **Ollie** : Yeah, that’s about right. He’s not…you know...doing his thing out there, is he?

Ollie subtly hints at Bruce’s double life as Batman, not wanting to say it out loud.

> **Alfred** : Not tonight. He has prior engagements later this evening that prevents him from doing so.

The edge to his tone tells the two of them that Bruce was heavily scolded for even thinking about going out as Batman tonight.

> **Ted** : Oh, okay. Probably best anyway, it’s raining out here pretty hard.
> 
> **Ollie** : You’re kidding right, that’s like a typical Tuesday here...no offense.
> 
> **Alfred** : None taken, Mr. Queen. Gotham’s sunny days are a dime a dozen. And Master Bruce has gone out in worse weather than this, I assure you, Mr. Kord.

Ted whispers to Ollie. 

> **Ted** : I wonder if his suit gets stuck to him like mine did when it rained…

Ollie shoots Ted a look.

> **Alfred** : Now then, Master Bruce should be in the parlor at this time, follow me if you please.

Alfred begins leading Ollie and Ted through Wayne Manor, in all its grandeur and years of history. Along with the fact that they know the Batcave is just beneath their feet as well. Huge paintings of past family members and classic pieces fill the walls as they walk on by.

Ted whispers to Ollie again.

> **Ted** : I’m rich and even I think this place feels like a bit much…

Ollie's not paying attention to Ted as he eyes the paintings.

> **Ollie** : Do...do you think they're looking at you? Cuz I feel like they're piercing my soul and I'm not okay with that.

The two eventually come to the parlor, which fortunately for them also have three chairs set up in a circle, unlike Ted’s workshop though, these are far nicer and more expensive looking. In one of them sits a rather ragged looking Bruce Wayne, clearly exhausted by something. Is it a villain he was chasing, a case he couldn’t solve yet, or something far worse? You could make a case for any of those scenarios.

> **Alfred** : Master Bruce, I apologize for having to interrupt your valuable “Brood Time™” but it seems Mr. Queen and Mr. Kord have come to see you.
> 
> **Ollie** : Sup?

Ted, like the puppy he is, greets Bruce excitedly.

> **Ted** : Hi, Bruce!

Bruce gives one of his signature grunts before looking at the two.

> **Bruce** : I don’t remember saying the meeting would be here…
> 
> **Ollie** : It was heavily implied.
> 
> **Bruce** : I highly doubt that…
> 
> **Ted** : Well it’s not like you don’t have space for it. Plus we’re here so, already kind of out the door on this one.

Ollie plops himself down in a chair.

 

> **Ollie** : My bro, Ted is 100% correct.

Ted takes a seat, getting all comfy in this big expensive chair.

> **Ted** : Oh, this is way nicer than the one back in my workshop. I can feel just how pricey it was.

Ollie pretends to smell the air.

> **Ollie** : What's that? Old money air?
> 
> **Bruce** : Please tell me this isn’t going to be the whole discussion…
> 
> **Ted** : Haven’t really decided on that part yet-

He notices that Bruce isn’t looking quite himself right now and stops as he looks him over.

> **Ted** : Hey, you okay? You seem...I don't know...tired?
> 
> **Ollie** : I didn’t think you got tired...hell, I didn’t even think you slept! I thought you ran on justice and Batcoffee™.
> 
> **Alfred** : Sometimes I think the same thing myself.

Alfred gives Bruce _The Look._ It never fails to make Bruce feel guilty about not taking care of himself.

> **Alfred** : I’ll get you all some tea.
> 
> **Ted** : Oh, you don’t got to do that.
> 
> **Alfred** : I insist. After all, you are guests here.

He does a smooth turn and leaves the room quietly, shutting the door behind him.

> **Ollie** : So, seriously, what is it that could wear out the Batman himself?

Suddenly loud crashing and screaming can be heard in the background.

> **Ollie** : Uh...anyone else hear that?
> 
> **Bruce** : It’s started…

He sounds intense, as though a great evil had finally descended on the land. Almost manic laughter serves as the perfect soundtrack.

> **Ollie** : What the hell?
> 
> **Ted** : Oh god! Bruce has the Joker broken into the Batcave?!

He looks incredibly worried as Bruce just sits there gazing off into the distance like he's seen some truly horrifying things.

> **Bruce** : Worse...it’s... _Movie Night_.
> 
> **Ollie** : Oh my god- wait, what?

He looks over to Bruce as his shock quickly becomes confusion. A war cry sounds.

> Damian (OS): Drake, give it back! Do not assist him, Fatgirl or you're next.
> 
> Dick (OS): JASON! NO! PUT THE SCISSORS DOWN!!
> 
> **Ollie** : So...I take it all your kids are home right now?
> 
> **Bruce** :...Yes...

He sounds almost defeated, as the chaos continues to echo through the manor. He rubs his hand across his forehead as if he has a headache.

> **Bruce** : Every two weeks we all try to sit down together and watch a movie.
> 
> **Ted** : Oh, well that doesn’t sound too bad.

Ollie looks at Ted with pity.

> **Ollie** : Ted, dude, bro, amigo...you don't understand how terrifying Bruce’s kids are.

To back up his claim, the sound of a small explosive, possibly a Batarang, goes off. There's a brief silence then gleefully...

> Jason (OS): Oooooo, Dickie!!! Alfie’s gonna kill you!!!
> 
> **Bruce** : The only reason you’d say that is because you haven’t seen what Movie Night at Wayne Manor looks like…This is them just trying to pick out a movie to watch.
> 
> **Ollie** : At least, you can get them all together, I can’t even get Roy and Emi to watch the game with me.

Bruce looks slightly guilty due to the fact that Roy occasionally joins in because Jason invites him.

> **Ted** : Yeesh, what’s it look like when they actually pick the movie?
> 
> **Bruce** : ...That all depends on who wins.

For a moment, he has a thousand-mile stare into the distance. Clearly things have happened every now and then depending on the movie that got picked and who picked it.

> **Ollie** :...Holy shit, that sounds so ominous.
> 
> Steph (OS): Cass, you traitor!!! 

The thumping of feet is heard as some of his kids run by. Ollie chuckles.

> **Ollie** : Though it is funny how loud they are considering how quiet they can be.
> 
> **Ted:** Thank god, I only got one kid with a scarab in his spine to worry about…

Referring to Jaime Reyes, the current Blue Beetle.

> **Bruce** : Jamie is a good kid.

He winces as a crash happens nearby.

> Jason (OS): Duke...buddy...us Narrows kids have to stay together.
> 
> Damian (OS): Thomas, don't. Todd doesn't deserve your loyalty. 
> 
> Tim (OS): Duke, come to the Dark Side. We have Alfred’s cookies!
> 
> The Rest of the Kids (OS): TIM!! NO!! 
> 
> Jason (OS):UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!!!

> **Ollie** : Still though, you’ve been through so many sidekicks, B. How do you even keep track of them all?
> 
> **Ted** : Wasn’t one of them a robot?

Bruce seems offended.

> **Bruce** : That is a baseless rumor! Was that Vicki Vale? Do I have to sue her? Again?
> 
> **Ted** : ...Okay, sorry I asked.

He was not expecting that reaction from Bruce Wayne of all people.

> Jason (OS): DROP THE DVD, DICKFACE!

A loud thump and a yelp.

> Dick (OS): OH MY GOD!!!! JASON, GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF OF ME!! HELP LITTLE D!! I'M BEING CRUSHED BY 215 POUNDS OF SHIT MOVIE CHOICE!
> 
> **Ollie** : You know, all things considered, Roy usually hung out with the Titans or some of your kids during downtime…actually all of our “young wards” have been in the Titans, haven’t they?
> 
> **Bruce** : Pretty much religiously for my end, yes.
> 
> Jason (OS): Don’t you do it, Damian! Don’t you do it, don’t you even dar- You little- YOU’RE FUCKIN' DEAD, KID!!”
> 
> **Ted** : Yeah, Jaime joined them once too. Didn’t like all three of yours become Titans too, Ollie?
> 
> **Ollie** : Yeah, it’s almost like a prerequisite now.

Running can be heard outside the door.

> Tim (OS): Okay Duke, here's how we survive tonight and get to watch the Bee Movie. We'll need orange paint, eggs, and balloons-
> 
> Duke (OS): Sometimes, I wish Bruce didn't take me in.
> 
> **Ted** : Yeah, it’s a scientific fact that if you’re a teenage superhero, you got to be in the Teen Titans at least once. Actually, since we’re on this subject now, I’ve always had a question for you, Bruce. I didn’t know how to bring it up until now, but uh...so how come the original Robin outfit had, like, that green scaley speedo?

Bruce looks 3000% done with both this conversation and his life.

> **Ollie** : You know, I actually do kind of remember a green speedo on that costume, what was up with that?

Bruce stays silent, secretly hoping that if he ignores them long enough, they’ll stop asking.

> Tim (OS): For Harambe!!!
> 
> Jason (OS): Tiny Tim, I swear on my own death, that if that crap gets on me...I will end yo- YOU DICK GRAYSON!!
> 
> Dick (OS): HEY! DON'T USE MY NAME THAT WAY!!
> 
> **Ollie** : I mean please tell me that wasn’t your decision, cuz I gotta tell you, that’s kind of creepy if it was. I mean you didn’t see me putting Roy in some sort of shirtless thing-

Bruce cuts Ollie off with a sharp glance. 

> **Bruce** : It wasn’t my choice.
> 
> **Ollie** : Oh thank god, I mean people have been saying stuff about that for yea-

Bruce cuts Ollie off again, clearly agitated by the subject.

> **Bruce** : I’m aware.
> 
> Steph (OS): We got this, Cass. THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR TASTE IN MOVIIIIES!!

Loud thumps can be heard and for some reason this time, they’re coming from above.

> **Ted** : Okay, but why though? Like, it’s just such a weird design choice, do the speedos serve some sort of purpose, or…?

Ollie thinks back to all the tasteless rumors about both Bruce and Batman when Dick first arrived.

> **Ollie** : Yeah, B, you can't just

He waves his hands for emphasis.

> **Ollie** : Bat Stare™ it away.
> 
> **Bruce** : Alright, you really want to know?
> 
> **Ted** : Yes, yes, yes! Tell us your secrets, oh wise one!

Ted’s excitement shows itself in full, he never really expected to get Batman to confess a secret.

 

> **Ollie** :...Wait...do I have to sign something before you tell me? Cuz I feel like if I were to…accidentally tell someone...like Dinah...in this hypothetical situation, you would destroy me.
> 
> **Bruce** : I don’t need to get you to sign something to let you know that...

He shoots Ollie an angry look, that really says it all.

> **Ollie** : ...Don't stare at me like you're gonna feed my secret telling corpse to your rabid 13 years old.

Said rabid 13-year old was currently on top of a bookcase with one Dick Grayson, trying to come up with a game plan. He sneezes suddenly and Dick turns to him, amused at his kitten sneeze.

> **Dick** : Someone just mentioned you, Lil D.

Damian glares before yelping as a pillow hits him square in the face.

> **Damian** : BROWN!!!

Bruce rolls his eyes. 

> **Bruce** : Anyway, it’s because of chafing.

Just says it so plainly, after all that build-up.

> **Ted** : ...huh?

Ted is notably confused and a little let down.

> **Ollie** : What? No. No! Really?? That's… so ...boring…
> 
> **Bruce** : When Dick started out the suit originally had leggings, but he complained that they were chafing him. So one day he went out with just that pair of green underwear and it just sort of stuck.
> 
> **Ted** : Hm...

Ted takes a second to take all this in, before realizing something.

> **Ted** : Wait, but then how come the second one had them too?
> 
> **Ollie** : And Tim definitely had pants on...

He smirks.

> **Ollie** : I'm sensing a lie, Brucie. For shame on you, Batman.

Loud thumps can be heard above as well as the sound of something scraping across the floor. Bruce groans, clearly this next part of the story is the one he hates remembering most.

> **Bruce** : When Jason became Robin, I was ready to retire that stupid green underwear, but then Jason looked at me and asked “Why you getting rid of those?” I told him “Because they’re ridiculous, it’s a miracle Dick lasted as long as he did in just his underwear” and then he took it like that was a challenge...
> 
> **Ollie** : Huh...not surprised at all really...I've met him before...

He rubs his jaw as he remembers being punched in the face.

> **Ted** : Wait, wait, wait! You’re telling me he wore those for who knows how long on a self-dare? Didn’t he die in those?

Bruce rubs his brow and just sighs. 

Suddenly, a tile in the ceiling falls down with a loud thump and Cass gracefully leaps down. She straightens up and looks around the room, clutching a DVD case in her hands tightly. Bruce doesn’t even react, he’s just way too used to this now.

> **Cass** : Hi…

She's wearing a Wayne Industries sweatshirt and smiles at Bruce.

> **Ted** :...

He takes a second before awkwardly waving.

> **Ted** : Hey…

Cass looks at Ted, staring deep into his very soul. Everything he's ever done, thought or said seems like it's laid out in front of her. Or maybe that's just what Cass' stares feels like.

> **Ted** : ...am...am I going to die?

Ollie pats his shoulder.

> **Ollie** : It was nice knowing you, bro.
> 
> **Bruce** : Which movie is that?

Extremely casual about this, even after she descended from the ceiling. Cass walks over to Bruce and shows him the cover.

> **Cass** : Lord of the Rings. Steph fangirls over the elves.
> 
> **Bruce** : Ah, and it’s the extended version...alright, good luck then.

Cass grins like she's heading off to war and is about to mess things up. She gives him a peck on the cheek and then sprints out the door. 

> Steph (OS): CASS! 
> 
> **Ollie** : ...Okay...that just happened. 

Ted sits up in his chair, holding his sides like if he were cold.

> **Ted** : I think I just lost a few years of my life…
> 
> Tim (OS): Steph you double-crosser!!! You spy!!! You...you…
> 
> Steph (OS): I think the word you are looking for is...traitor.
> 
> **Bruce** : That’s movie night...you should see what ordering pizza looks like.
> 
> **Ollie** : ...this is why people think you Bats and Birds are crazy. And dangerous. Dangerously crazy. Crazy dangerous…
> 
> **Bruce** : You done?

He raises an eyebrow at Ollie.

> **Ollie** : Never. It's like you don't know me at all, Brucie. Really, I feel neglected. No, injured beyond repair at this...dismissal from you.

Ollie looks at Ted.

> **Ollie** : At least you're one true bro.

Ted applauds like he just watched a Tony-winning play.

> **Ted** : That was magic, Ollie.
> 
> Tim (OS): That was a dirty trick and you...wait where’s Jason?
> 
> **Ollie** : Thank you, thank you.

He stands and takes a bow.

> **Ollie** : When I'm getting my award, I'll include you in my thank you speech.

For a moment all is quiet, which is rather disturbing seeing what it’s been like up to this point.

> Dick (OS): Oh, hell no. Not again.

A whole lot of footsteps can be heard running by. A head pokes through the door. It's Duke. He glances around at the room's occupants almost shyly before looking at Bruce.

> **Duke** : I...we...think Jason won. Again. For the 17th time.
> 
> Steph (OS): Oh come on!!

There's a lot of groaning. Duke stares pleadingly at Bruce.

> **Duke** : Please, please overrule his movie. I am not watching Pride and Prejudice again!

Duke looks haunted.

> **Duke** : I can quote that movie, Bruce. I. Can. Quote. It.

Bruce sighs, sounding just so exhausted and ready for this to be over.

 **Bruce** : You know the rules. If it’s in the player first, that’s the movie.

Duke looks at Bruce with the disappointment and sadness of several Alfreds.

 **Duke** : I thought you were a hero, Bruce. But it turns out, you're just like the rest.

He leaves to face his doom.

> Jason (OS): Oh lighten up, a little culture won’t kill you!
> 
> Steph (OS): AAAAAAAGH, I hate everything!!
> 
> Dick(OS): Is it really culture if it's been seared into my eyeballs like a million times?
> 
> Tim (OS): Screw culture. #MemesAllDayEveryday.
> 
> Jason (OS):...You disgust me, TimTam.
> 
> **Ollie** : Oh I could feel the disappointment on that one. Guess you’re the hero they need, but not the one they deserve...or uh...I don’t know, something.
> 
> **Ted** : All of your kids are so...

He makes a hand gesture.

> **Ted** : dramatic...though it makes sense seeing as they are YOUR kids.
> 
> **Ollie** : Yeah, am I glad Roy was never like _that_.
> 
> **Bruce** : You’d have to actually be there to notice that. 
> 
> **Ted** : oof. Oofff. Imma just...stay out of this.

He holds his hands up, looking at Bruce with puppy eyes.

> **Ted** : Sorry Bruce, please don't tear my already shit self-esteem to shreds.
> 
> **Ollie** : That...that hurts Bruce...that hurts.

Bruce shrugs apathetically. Yells of

> Steph (OS): Go, Cass, go!!
> 
> Dick (OS): We'll hold him off. 

A loud thump as Jason is tackled to the ground can be heard distantly. Alfred finally arrives with the tea, along with sugar and cream on a little cart.

> **Alfred** : Your tea, good sirs.
> 
> **Ted** : Ah sweet! I’m putting so much sugar in mine!

He goes to take some, when suddenly Cass descends from the ceiling once more with the entire DVD player in her arms, landing on top of the cart. Sugar and cream, as well as some tea flies everywhere at Bruce, Alfred, Ollie, and Ted. She quickly and gracefully jumps off the cart and runs for it. Ted just sits there, stunned as if he just watched a close friend explode.

> **Ollie** :....So, uh...same time next week?

Bruce just sits there and grunts, finally out of patience for this as tea drips from his hair and down his face.


	3. Nemesis and Romance?

Inside the Queen Consolidated Building, Bruce Wayne and Ted Kord sit in Oliver Queen’s office before his large desk where he sits in a fancy office chair. Bruce and Ted sit in...well...kinda uncomfortable seats, with Bruce’s being significantly cheaper looking compared to the normal office chair Ted’s seated in. The two look as uncomfortable as it feels. Ollie in the meantime has the back of his chair facing them.

> **Bruce:** Oliver, these chairs are ridiculous…

> **Ted:** I know right? Mine barely swivels!

Bruce shoots Ted a look. 

> **Ted:**...what? 

> **Ollie:** Oh, I’m sorry Bruce! Are my chairs not good enough for your standards?  

> **Bruce:** They aren’t good by anyone’s standards Oliver. 

Oliver dramatically swivels his chair to face the others.

> **Ollie** : You see this, Ted? Brucey Wayne here thinks the seats I provide aren’t as good as the “high quality” Gotham chairs. I’m hurt Bruce, just absolutely hurt.

Ted grimaces.

> **Ted:** Ollie...he’s not wrong. They kind of hurt to sit in.

> **Ollie:** Wha- et tu, Ted? I invite you to my office and you both roast me? I thought our friendship was stronger than a couple of chairs!

> **Bruce:** Oliver, I’m almost 95% sure that you got mine from the mess hall downstairs…

> **Ollie:** That’s high-quality plastic, Bruce. Recycled too. We like to stay green here at Queen Consolidated. 

Ted wiggles around in his chair and whines.

> **Ted:** Don’t you have other chairs, Ollie? This one’s got a bite out of it...

Ted moves a bit, revealing the massive chunk missing from the back cushion. 

> **Ollie:** Okay, okay, so I may have thrown that one at King Shark last week...and you know...most of the good chairs.

> **Bruce:** You couldn’t have just said that?

> **Ted:** Wait...why did you throw chairs? 

> **Ollie:** Oh you know how it goes. He was attacking the office, I ran out of arrows...and I do mean like all of them. King Shark doesn’t go down without a fight, and I sorta started tossing whatever I could get my hands on. You know, typical day.

> **Ted:**...so like, all the good chairs are gone or…? And why only the good chairs? 

> **Oliver:** Who said it was _only_ the good chairs?

**_~1 WEEK AGO~_ **

Outside Queen Consolidated, King Shark lays on his back after falling out of the building, defeated. He has a piano on top of him that seemingly dropped from somewhere in the building. He looks at it for a moment, confused.

> **King Shark:**...Where the fuck did you get a piano?!

Ollie shrugs.

> **Ollie:** I honestly have no clue.

**_~NOW~_ **

> **Ollie:** Which reminds me...I gotta cancel that High School Symphony Orchestra’s visit…

Ted gasps.

> **Ted:** NO! Think of the musicians, Ollie! Think of the hours of practice! Also, why wasn’t I invited? 
> 
> **Bruce:** You dropped a piano on King Shark?

> **Ollie:** Technically I pushed him _and_ the piano out a window.

> **Ted:** You...you _pushed_ him?!?! Ollie! 

> **Ollie:** You know, _pushed..._ _wedged my last rocket arrow into the side and lit that sucker up._ It’s all the same really.

> **Bruce:**...I...I can’t even judge. 

> **Ollie:** No, no you can’t.

> **Ted:** Dude, you really showed your arch-nemesis there. It’s a scientific fact you gotta beat the arch-nemesis in the most spectacular way.

> **Ollie:** Pfft! You’re kidding, right? King Shark’s not my arch-nemesis.

> **Bruce** : His arch-nemesis is running out of arrows. No. Wait. It’s breaking his bow. 

> **Ollie:** And yours is putting the word _Bat_ on everything!

> **Bruce:** Oliver, we’ve been over this…

> **Ted:** Seriously though, Ollie. Who is your arch-nemesis?

> **Ollie:** Oh, that’s easy. It’s Merlin.

> **Ted:** Uh...the wizard?

Bruce shakes his head and mutters under his breath. 

> ******Bruce** : He wished. 

> **Ollie:** No. You know...Malcolm Merlin?
> 
> **Ted:** Hm...nope, not ringing any bells.
> 
> **Ollie:** “The Black Archer”!?

Ted shakes his head slowly.

> **Ollie:** Seriously, Ted?!

> **Ted:** Honestly, I always thought it was either King Shark or Count Vertigo. I never heard of the other guy.

> **Bruce:** Hmm. I only know of him because of a gala Oliver threw. Merlin was there and he seemed suspicious. 

> **Ollie:** I’m telling you he’s way more dangerous than Count Vertigo!
> 
> **Ted:** No offense, Ollie, but he kinda just sounds like a clone of you.

> **Bruce:** Well, they say that sometimes _you’re your own worst enemy_... 

> **Ollie:** I liked it better when you didn’t say anything…

Bruce raises his eyebrow at Ollie. 

> **Ted:** Now that I’m thinking about it though...did I ever have a nemesis?

> **Ollie:** Huh, now that I think about it...I can’t remember you ever having one. 
> 
> **Ted:** Hm...oh! The Madniks, I fought them a lot. I guess they’re my nemeses...uh nemesis’....hm….nemesi?

> **Ollie:** Weren’t they just a bunch of wannabe Jokers though?

> **Ted:** What? No! They weren’t!

> **Ollie:** I mean, they just look like someone made clones of the Joker and then splattered them with tie-dye.

> **Bruce:** Be thankful that’s all they are.

> **Ollie:** Oh, like we need to even guess who yours is. Gee, I can ONLY wonder.
> 
> **Bruce:** Don’t...just don’t. _The Gotham Gazette_ did an article about it and I’m trying not to sue them. 

> **Ted:** Wait, was that the one where they photoshopped you-

> **Bruce:** Don’t. Finish. That. Sentence.

> **Ted:**...okay, touchy subject. Got it…

Bruce sighs.

> **Bruce:** Look, at this point, I don’t consider him an arch-nemesis. Just an abomination to mankind that I want to leave me alone for the rest of time. 

> **Ollie:** Okay, wow...I’m guessing it takes a lot of strength not to strangle him to death?

> **Bruce:** Like you wouldn’t believe… 

He looks off.

> **Bruce:** And the _Gazette_ had the balls to say that we _need_ each other, like some toxic relationship. 

> **Ted:** There’s just no friendly rivalry in nemesis...uh..well you know, anymore.

> **Bruce:** I argue there was never such a thing.

> **Ollie:** No, I think he’s onto something. Barry has that going with those Rogues guys, that kinda counts.

> **Bruce:** Barry doesn’t count. 

> **Ollie:** Okay, well...uh...what about Arthur and his brother?

> **Bruce:** Orm? They had a blood feud that killed hundreds of people.

> **Ollie:** Right, bad example…okay, how about Hal and Sinestro?

> **Bruce:** Sinestro enslaved his entire planet and started his own Corps that killed even more people. 

> **Ted:** Ooo! I have one...Bruce and Catwoman…

> **Ollie:** Oh, that’s it, Teddy, you got a point there. You’ve had that thing going for years!

Bruce's face goes blank.

> **Bruce:** What thing? 

> **Ollie:** Bruce, you’re the world’s greatest detective...don’t act like you don’t know.

Bruce's face is still blank.

> **Bruce:** She’s a thief. I catch thieves. That is all. 

> **Ollie:** Is it though? I mean, she steals something, you go chase her, you catch her or she lets you catch her and then...you get a little _interrogation_ going on the rooftops, if you know what I mean.

Ollie quickly raises both his eyebrows a few times.

> **Bruce:** I don’t know what you mean.

He turns to Ted.

> **Bruce:** I think Lex and Clark have something going on… 

> **Ted:** You think so?

> **Ollie:** Hey don’t change the subject!

Bruce ignores Ollie.

> **Bruce:** Yeah, I think so. And Lois might be involved. Lex has the weirdest obsession with them both. You know, he made a kid with Clark and a robot that looks like Lois? 

> **Ted:** You know, I did hear about the Lois robot. I thought it was just a rumor, but honestly, that’s pretty creepy. I mean, the guy made a robot of someone else’s wife...you don’t think he did anything with that robot, do you?

> **Bruce:** Clark says he accidentally overheard him because he said Lois’ name. Their next encounter was very awkward. 

> **Ollie:** Don’t ignore me!! What is it with you and rooftop romances? I need to know!

> **Ted:** Hm...wait, theory time. If he’s got a Lois robot, do you think he’s also got a Superman robot stashed somewhere and if so is he doing something with that robot too?

> **Bruce:** He-

His phone rings. He answers.

> **Bruce:** Hello? 

> Clark (OS): For the love of all things holy, Bruce, I’m begging you. Stop talking. About Lex. And the robots. 

> **Bruce:** I wasn’t going to tell them everything…

> Clark (OS): Bruce, I never thought I had to ask you this...please don’t share things.

Ted starts to bounce excitedly in his chair. 

> **Ted:** Is that Clark?! Hi, Clark! 

> Clark (OS): Tell Ted I said hi.

He hangs up.

> **Bruce:** He said hi...

Bruce puts his phone back in his pocket. Ted bounces happily in his seat.

> **Ted:** Superman said hi to me… 

> **Ollie:** So about you and Catwoman.

Bruce glances at his watch.

> **Bruce:** I think I’m needed back in Gotham soon, so I should go. 

> **Ollie:** What?!

> **Ted:** Oh yeah, I forgot. I got a presentation tomorrow. I better do my last minute checks on that.

> **Ollie:** Wait a second-
> 
> **Ted:** So guess that’s it for this week?

Bruce smirks at Ollie.

> **Bruce:** I think so. Where for next week, Ted? 

> **Ollie:** Bruce!

> **Ted:** Hm, I’m thinking my place again is probably good. I’ll tidy up better than last time, promise.

Bruce glances over at Ted with a little worry.

> **Bruce:** Hmm.

He pats him on the shoulder.

> **Bruce:** Alright, I’ll hold you to that.

The two men walk out of the office, but Ollie isn’t having any of it. He screams, but neither really seems to notice as they leave the room.

> **Ollie:** Hey, hey! Don’t walk out of here! THIS IS MY BUILDING!! STOP IGNORING ME!! ….

He slumps down in his chair, head in his hand.

> **Ollie:** Well, this couldn’t get much worse. 

A loud explosion can be heard from outside. Smoke rising can be seen in the window behind him. King Shark has broken out of jail and has gone on the rampage, as Oliver can soon tell for himself.

> King Shark (OS): I AM A SHAAAAAAARK!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ollie presses the intercom on his desk to speak to the receptionist.

> **Ollie:** Hey Philis...do we have another piano? 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed. This kinda started as an idea at work and then spiraled into its own series. We hope you enjoy. Please leave a comment and/or kudos. ^.^


End file.
